Today, I lost a friend.

1997-29th June 2007.

Today, I lost a friend due to... due to me.
Although she was the one who said she was tired of trying and that maybe we shouldn't have tried again in the first place, maybe I was too caught up in the heat of the moment to recognise that I was soon becoming one of those people I swore I would never be. One of those who would throw away a friendship. But it happens. Life, happens.

I mourn for the loss of my our friendship today, tomorrow and for every day I live.

No matter what you have done, I loved you, love you and will always love you.
I wish you all the best in life Tasha. Forever and always.

.U.GoT.TaggeD.

Layer 1: On the Outside
Name: Yvonne (Castalnetta) Mak Yao Fang aka Fangi
Birth Date: 30121988
Current Status: In a relationship
Eye Color: Very dark brown if not black
Hair Color: Black with brown streaks

Layer 2: On the Inside
My Heritage: Chinese (Pure cantonese)
My Fears: Being alone. Being unloved. Losing the people I love. People leaving me.
My Weaknesses: A procrastinating perfectionist
My Perfect Pizza: Anything with lots of cheese and no green ickey stuff

Layer 3: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
My first thoughts waking up: Ohmygod. Its the start of another day. Oh fuck. Its so cold. Do I really wanna get up?!
My bedtime: Varies from 12am to 12am. Sometimes, I don't sleep.
My Most Missed Memory: Seeing my friends every single day of the week.

Layer 4: My Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: hmm.. a difficult one.. I'd have to say, Burger King.
Single or Group Dates: Either
Adidas or Nike: Both if I can afford it. (ditto)
Tea or Nestea: Tea with one sugar.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate always. How can you choose something over chocolate? (precisely my point!)
Cappucino or Coffee: Coffee. Black with one sugar.

Layer 5: Do You...
Smoke: Nope, I have no interest in self inflicted lung cancer, thank you. (ditto)
Curse: Yes, a bloody lot. (ditto. so much so i scare the guys. p.s. add fucking to that will you.)
Take a Shower: Yes. Sometimes, 2!
Have a Crush: Yes. On my beautiful sexy lovely pretty S500i sony erricson phone.
Go to School: Uni right now. Undergrad in University of Canterbury doing a LLB
Want to Get Married: Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know.
Believe in Yourself: Not really but I try to.
Think You're a Health Freak: No. I have had kfc more than 5 times in the span of a week.

Layer 6: In the Past
Gone to the Mall: Its my second home. What on earth are you talking about?
Been on Stage: Yes.
Eaten Sushi: Yes. SUSHI IS MY FAVOURITE! Okay, maybe sashimi more. (ditto)
Dyed Your Hair: Only highlighted it.

Layer 7: Have You Ever...
Played a Stripping Game: Nearly did. But, no.
Changed Who You Were to Fit In: Not that I can remember.

Layer 8: Age You're Hoping to...
Get Married: No freaking idea.

Layer 9: In a Girl
Best Eye Color: grey.
Best Hair Color: Black and silky. (ditto)
Short or Long Hair: Long.

Layer 10: What You Were Doing
A Minute Ago: Typing this up
An Hour Ago: Playing bomberman on my ndsl
Four and a Half Hours ago: In bed playing my ndsl
A Month Ago: Honestly cannot remember
A Year Ago: Back in JB for my winter break

Layer 11: Finish The Sentences
I love: the scent of fresh laundry
I feel: exhausted
I hate: disappointing and being disappointed.
I hide: from the world when I'm annoyed.
I miss: being homes with my BFFs.
I need: a hug and for everything to be alright.

Layer 12: Tag 4 People (my favourite part!)
Overdresser
Jie
Twin
Dee Dee

O.K?

Are you okay? Cos I'm not.


My posts have more than depressing off late. Thanks for the concern everyone. But its something I think I should probably handle it by myself.


And until my mood has lightened up a little bit more, I won't be blogging until then.


Thanks you guys. Sorry and bye.

Behind her honey laced smiles, lies a girl waiting to cry.

bu zuo ni de peng you

man man shi yi
suo you he ni de shi qing bi xu wang ji
ai de pen di
shen pa zai yi di yan lei jiu hui jue ti
wo ye bu xiang bei ni ken ding
zai zhe ge shi hou
shuo wo rang ni gan dong guo

bie wo zhu wo de shou
shuo wo yi ding hui dong
zhuo bu cheng de ai ren
bian cheng zui hao peng you
bie qian zhe wo de shou
xiang zhe bie ren lian kong
huan ge fang shi qian shou bing bu hui gen hao guo
ke bu ke yi bu zuo ni de peng you

man man xin tong
mei you ren fa xian wo he cong qian bu tong
ni de yan zhong
kan de jian ling yi ge ren gei de gan dong
wo ye bu yao ni xin teng wo
zai zhe ge shi hou
dui wo bi cong qian wen rou

ying gai fang qing de tian qi
hai xia yu
bie zhe yang xia qu
wo nan guo
dan shi shuo bu chu kou

yi zhi tao bi
wo yi wei bi shang yan jing jiu neng wang ji
wo de ji yi kai shi zai yu tian de qi yue er shi shan
man man jing guo wo men yi qi rao guo de shi zhi jie kou
zhe me zhou tou zhou bu dao jing tou

ke bu ke yi bu hui tou
ke bu ke yi jiu fang shou
ke bu ke yi bu zhuo ni de peng you

w.h.y

I DON'T GET IT. I JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT. WHAT THE HELL IS IT THAT SHE HAS THAT I DON'T? IS IT THE FLAWLESS SKIN? THE PERFECT BODY? OR JUST THE FUCKING FACT THAT THE FUCKING FORBIDDEN FRUIT IS THE FUCKING SWEETEST? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT DID I FUCKING TO DO FUCKING DESERVE THIS? ONCE JUST WASN'T QUITE ENOUGH NOW WAS IT? YOU HAD TO COME DO THIS TO ME AS WELL.. AGAIN! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY. AND YET EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, I SOMEHOW FIND IT IN MYSELF TO FORGIVE YOU, BELIEVE IN YOU, AND THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING GET. I GIVE UP. I FUCKING GIVE UP. I CAN'T FEEL ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE I'M DEAD INSIDE AND NOTHING REALLY MATTERS ANYMORE. I WANT TO CRY. I WANT TO SCREAM. I WANT TO GET AWAY. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

I'm gonna make you bend and break
(it sent you to me without wings)
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show
(let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
Who does he think he is?
If that's the worst you've got, better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter
Ohhhhhh

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
In this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for (except for)
When you look into the past (look into the past)
One night stand. (One night stand, off!)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you only sweeter
ohhhh

(They say) I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms, collecting page-six lovers
Get me out of my mind
Get you out of those clothes
I'm a line away
From getting you into the mood (wa-ooooohhh)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you only sweeter

One night and one more time (one more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great (even though they weren't so great)
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time (one more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories (for the memories)
Thanks for the memories (for the memories)
See, he tastes like you only sweeter

Mercedes A160

Today, I got to ride in my aunt's brand new Mercedes A160! It had the whole brand new car smell (obviously, since it is new) and the works! It was totally awesome!! However, it was a merc.. and i'm not too big a fan of mercs.. I'm more of a Beemer girl *grins*


In other news, I lost the back of my stud. My very first stud. My very first piercing. I was cleaning it right, and I accidentally dropped it onto the floor. I get down on my knees to pick it up and next thing I know, it isn't on the floor. This is going to annoy me for quite some time. And getting a new one, as Vinny had suggested just isn't the same! This has sentimental value!!! I don't understand how it could have gone missing in the span of 5 seconds :S. I know I know, some of you are going to think that I am crazy obssessing over something as small as this. But it matters! It really does! God this is going to annoy me for some time.


Also, my exams have officially started. My first paper being Economics, was this morning. A gruelling three hour paper. Thankfully, there wasn't anything too unexpected in the paper.. which is always a good sign. Stats, I know, just isn't going to be this easy. Simply because although the paper is this Thursday, I have done nuts about it. Don't even know where to start really. So yes - I am kinda screwed for that! G.R.E.A.T.

Insecurities

Walking into the mall, I noticed many a pretty girl with the perfect body, flawless skin going about their business be it shopping, wandering around aimlessly or even just hanging out with their mates. Looking at them, I felt a pang of envy go off inside of me. "Now, if only I had flawless skin and a trim body to boot" I thought to myself.

Most days, I would just shrug my bad skin and horrific body off as God's way of telling me "nothing in this world is perfect so just live with it". But not today. Today, self consciousness is oozing out of me from the very pores of my skin. I want flawless skin. I want a body to die for. I want to be the girl every guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the girl every girl wants to be. I don't wish to be perfect. No. Cos perfection is unobtainable. I could settle for a little less than perfect. Just a little.

Success, wealth, recognition, status etc can be achieved through two means in this world. Either you are brainy. Or you have the looks. Both of which gets you places. Its true that it may only get you so far and that substance is whats really needed. But can one really say that in this world where beauty is really MOSTLY only skin deep, having the looks and not having the looks is going to give you an equal footing?

I try. I really really try. But it seems to me that neither porcelain skin nor a slim body is coming my way anytime soon. And so, I try to substitute it with learning stuff and gaining knowledge. After all, knowledge is power. But however hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in, I am just never going to be good enough or smart enough.

So people tell me I am going to make it in life. And they tell me that I am gorgeous and beautiful. Do they really believe that? I'm sorry I'm being so cynical today. But nothing is going to convince me that I am smart, beautiful or do have what it takes because I honestly don't think I do. Today is one of those days, when nothing seems to be okay, and nothing will ever be. Today is one of those days when all I wanna do is disappear from this world. Today, is just one of those days when I really just wish, hope and pray that I am anybody but me.

Library - My Second Home

For the last week or so, I have been going to the library diligently and religiously. Every trip there is for at least 4 hours at the very minimum. Just three days back, Anisa and I sat there for 7 hours straight. Its a flucking miracle I say. I have spent more time in the library this week alone than I have in my entire 18 years of existence.


Its official - I have turned into a nerd. I blame university life. So much for sex, drugs and alcohol.

Evil Exams

Exams are evil (if you didn't already know)

Swear to God. They make you feel stupid as hell... Its like, the more you study, the more you realise you don't know, the stupider you feel.

Then you go into the exams, and you see the paper, then you realise that you don't know even more than you already don't know. Thennnnnn... you cry.



ARGHHHH!!! Exams have turned me into a nerd. I spent 5 hours in the library! Probably the longest I have ever spent there. *faints* Then I come back home, and get to spend more time studying.



I love uni. I love uni. I love uni.



Yeah right Yvonne.. Just keep telling yourself that..

Sunny Days, Lazy Days

The weekends should be reserved to doing nothing! Honestly. Today, for example, is a perfect example of a good day for doing nothing. The weather out there is sunny, though a lil cold. Like I said, perfect weather to be doing nothing. But no, after a week of doing not much, I really have to get down to my work. The little conscience inside of me is starting to grow.. constantly telling me to get work done! To study! Especially with the exams not too far away (about a week). Back to Stats it is.. and having to work through Laws 102, though I really have no clue what is going on in both. And the last chapter of Econs.. that's my one and only hope! Oh wells. Since it is the exam period now, good luck to all sitting for exams.. though you guys are all probably too busy to check my blog. Hm.

-Just another one of those posts to pass time-

Goals for Today (well, technically tomorrow)

1) Complete online economic test number 7
2) Send out resumes to companies
3) Mail IRD form
4) Copy out notes for Stats and Econs
5) Finish off Econs tute work
6) Vacuum room (though I do agree with Yi.. this is pushing it)


Its sad that the highlight of my day is striking out all of the things on my to-do-list. What have I become? Uni, o uni! What are thou hath done to me?

Hopefully I will get the job at either Glassons or Portmans. Both would be good, though I do not think I will have the time to handle both. So yes. This would mean money! Whee!! But money is not to go to food... food = bad. Money needs to go to savings so that I can explore and have a taste of the art of fine dining (read expensive hoity toity so up there) restaurants in Christchurch (though this DOES mean eating.. which kinda contradicts the first point) as well as for my trip to Aussie. If both do not fall through, there's always my list of clothes and electronical items I am dying to be called the proud owner of. [Refer to wishlist post]

Money Money Money!

Just what I needed

Getting back my Laws 102 essay today was just what I needed to perfect my already crappy day.

A fucking B. It was worth 25% for Christ sake! There goes more than 10% of my Laws 102 marks. Into oblivion.

i am.. about to cry

in less than 23 hours, i will be in the examination hall sitting for my law case analysis test paper.

oh god i am so fucked for that.

so fucked that i feel like crying.

i have absolutely no idea what the hell i am supposed to do with it.

i believe i am freaking out.

and all i feel like doing is eating due to the stress.

but i am so fucking full and i am so fucking fat!

:'(

stats & law case analysis

so fucking stressed!!!!

i am so gonna fucking fail!!!!

i have no inclination whatsoever what i am supposed to be doing!!!!

oh fuck!