BLARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

just because.

idiots. all of them. every single fucking one of them.

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU FUCKWITS

memes!

Time started : 11.30am
Name : Fang
Gender : Female

1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and then start the water?
--Get in first

2.) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle?
--Yes. As weird as it sounds.

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence channel?
Heh heh~ no. Who the heck does!? --ditto!

4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?
--Wouldn't you like to know.

5.) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
Nope. Would like to keep it that way.. --ditto!

6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
--Yes.

7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
--Yeah.. quite the klutz. And yes, it hurt.

9.) How old do you act?
--It ranges from the age of 4 to 104.

10.) What's the last song you heard/sang?
--Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin

11.) Have you recently become a member of anything?
--LGs online portal?

12.) What are your plans for the weekend?
--Apparently there's some dinner thing on Saturday.

13.) Do you kiss with your eyes opened or closed?
--Closed, usually. It's rude to stare, lol!

14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?
--Not yet I haven't.

15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating?
--No. I'm not bulimic. Don't intend to start being one either.

16.) If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?
The green parrot with the eyepatch. My job would be to tease the monkey in the funny hat and purple pimp vest. --hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut?
--Yes, I'm sure I have.

18) Have you ever been called a slut?
--Probably. But not to my face. Not yet.

19). Have you ever smuggled something into America?
--Never been there.

20.) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive?
--That's my brother you are talking about. Ew.

21.) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
--I think so?

25. Do you have more enemies or more friends?
--Friends. If you regard me as an enemy, please give me a shoutout.

27.) Can you fix your own car?
--Don't have a car.

28.) Have you ever turned someone down for a date?
--No. Haven't been asked on a date. Not officially anyway.

29.) Are you smarter than your friends?
Depends on what we're talking about now. If it's the history of cornflakes then I'd win hands down. -No shit. --hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?
--Not that I know of.

31.) Have you ever been to jail?
--I've been into one. Not to serve time though.

33) Do you like the smell of beer?
I hate beer so. fucking. much. --ditto!

34.) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream?
--Yes. I'm quite psychotic like that.

35.) Have you ever given to charity?
--Yep.

36.) Would you kill a dog for $1000?
--No. Not really. Depending on the circumstances. Putting him to sleep if he is already on his deathbed, maybe.

37.) Do you sometimes get depressed?
--Yes. Sadly.

39.) Do you have plans for your future?
For the next ten minutes, yes.

apathy

Sitting at the dinner table earlier, I felt like kicking myself in the shin even if Mother hadn't. I simply do not understand myself on days. Actually make that most days. Just when I'm with the family. That's right... just when I'm with the family.

I can't point out the exact moment, but somewhere along the way I picked up the not so essential skill of apathy, or as Mother would call it "being the spoilt brat who is throwing a tantrum because of sleep depravation".

With the family, its usually one face, and one tone of voice with absolutely no hint of emotion other than that of apathy. Mother thinks its the sleep depravation talking. Grandmother thinks I'm just being plain rude. Mostly, I would just like to be left alone to my own devices as I have been all these years. Only difference is that now, I do it with a "just leave me alone and I don't really care about what you're saying" expression.

Emotion surges through my voice now and again, its appearances few and far between. No wonder Mother thinks that Brother is a much nicer child to be around. If I were her, I would be utterly exasperated to bear an apathetic child like me, too!

Like I said, a not so essential skill I picked up.

But you know what? I really, honestly, seriously, do not care. So there.

Do you know how it feels...

...to want to laugh and cry all at the same time
...to feel alone even when you are surrounded by people
...like to be never good enough for everyone
...to be misunderstood
...like to have family want to kick you out of the house
...to not be appreciated
...to scream out loud yet not a squeak is heard
...like to want to die because living seems like such a chore
...like to not feel anything
...like to feel guilty because you don't live up to expectations
...like to disappoint
...to want to be accepted
...to have to pretend you give a damn about life, when really, you don't
...like to go to sleep having to find a reason to wake up in the morning
...to have no reason to wake up in the morning at all
...to have friends who don't understand
...to be in the wrong all the time, even if you're not
...like to not be able to defend yourself
...like to cry yourself to sleep every night
...like to desperately want to believe
...like to not feel alive

Books Books and More Books!

Books I've read so far this holidays
- Vince&Joy by Lisa Jewell
- all 12 books of Gossip Girl
- Be Careful What You Wish For by Alexandra Potter
- Book 1,2,3&4 The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants by Ann Brashares
- Shopaholic&Baby by Sophie Kinsella


Books I endeavour to read this holidays
- True Believer by Nicholas Sparks
- A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
- At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks
- The Choice by Nicholas Sparks
- Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
- The Waitress by Melissa Nathan
- Yakuza Moon by Shoko Tendo
- Blind Willow Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami
- For One More Day by Mitch Albom
- Queen of Babble 1&2 by Meg Cabot
- It Could Be You by Josie Lloyd&Emlyn Rees
- The Pursuit of Happyness by Chris Gardner
- Oracle Bones by Peter Hessler


We shall see how much I can achieve within the next month! Now, if only I could be like Xin who gets through a book a day! Then again, maybe not.

Should I Stay? -Dreamz FM-

Had a drive//Driven by your love//When you messed around//I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed//Needed someone true//But you changed your mind//Or have I failed you?

Wished you'd been //Careful with my heart//But you tore it apart//And broke an angel's heart

The kiss was true//Has to end somehow//But I am living proof//Of what love is about

It's hard holding you//Loving you//Losing you

It's sad to be true//And be fooled//By you

I don't know//I gotta know//Should I stay?//Or should I go?

You played me on//Played me like a clown//But I feel for you//Even though I'm down

My heart is heavy//Heavy like a rock//But I am so amused//You're still in my thoughts

It's hard holding you//Loving you//Losing you

It's sad to be true//And be fooled//By you

I don't know//I wanna know//Should I stay?//Or should I go?

It's hard holding you//Loving you//Losing you

Its sad to be true//And be fooled//By you

I don't know//I wanna know//Should I stay?//Or should I..?

What's done is done//It'll never feel the same//But we had some good times//Guess its sad just the same

Guess the truth doesn't matter somehow//But you were living proof//Of what love is about

Balance.

Balance, we all crave it. We all need it in our lives. Be it balance between work and play, balance between relationships. We just can't run away from it. But what if we can't seem to find this balance that we need? What happens then?


Sitting here at 2 in the morning, surprisingly awake, I find myself thinking. Yes, I do realise that I sound a little blonde saying that. Think of it sort of as a reflection time on things that have happened so far in this lifetime of mine, and things that I could possibly want in the future to come. After all, isn't that what the end of the year/the beginning of the next year is for - reflection and resolutions?


I find myself being somewhat on edge lately. Maybe it is due to the fact that I have not received my Law School acceptance/rejection letter. Maybe. Then again, maybe it is the fact that I find myself overthinking, once again about life, love, family, the whole she-bang. Just like the old times.


At this point, I just want to say that this is going to be a long lengthy post, I don't expect any of you to read through all of it, it's just one of those little emomomo (as Overdresser would say) rants of mine. There's not going to be a flow to this post, no point whatsoever, and it's going to be a lot, and i do mean A LOT of random thoughts just all around in little paragraphs. After all, that's what Mrs E. prized so much in any form of writing - proper paragraphing (oh and nouns and verbs and sentencing.. oh you get the idea).


I must admit, I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. Its unbelievable how much I miss him. In fact, I never thought it possible to miss someone this much, but I do. I'm not going to deny it. However, at the same time, I feel guilty for missing him so much, especially when I'm in the company of friends and family. I only return home once a year for about two odd months to spend it with friends and family, yet most of the time, I find myself thinking about him. The girls get my full, undivided attention when I'm with them and God alone knows how much I've missed them but every so often, my mind wanders back to my Vinny. 8ish out of 12 months I whine and complain and whine and complain about how little time I spend with the girls yet when I'm back, I can't help but count the days till I'm back with him. Now, if only I can get a way to have BOTH my bffs AND my bf together with me at the same time. Wouldn't it be nice? A girl can only dream. Now I truly understand what Godma meant when she said "you can't have your cake and eat it as well". Ironical, huh? Its my cake after all so why can't I eat it!?


Family. Do not even get me started on family. Guess the old adage is true after all, family - you can't live with them, you can't live without them. I love my family. I really do. But there's only so much I can take of them. Then again, there's always the thought that family are not going to be around forever so we should try to spend as much time as possible with them, yes? During my first week of return to JB, I was admonished by my brother as he thought that I was spending too much time with friends and the rest of it being online with my NZ friends whom I spent most of the year with anyway. I did not put too much thought into this at first. After all, who was he to reprimand me when all he did when he got back from UK was play his PS2 all the time but somehow, it stuck to me. So, after some reflection of sorts as did happen last year, I tried to reallocate my time. Spend more time with the family especially during the weekends, try to ensure that time spent with the girls were preferably on weekdays when parents were at work, make it back for my daily family dinners. Somehow, it just doesn't seem enough. Somehow, along the way, my dad and I drifted apart. I try to spend time with him. I swear, I do try but it just doesn't seem enough. After all, I have to spend time with mum too you know? She's not any less busy than my dad is. But the distance just keeps growing. I love my parents, Really I do. They have been nothing short of perfect. I couldn't and I would never ask for anything more from my parents than all that they have given me. Sometimes, it just feels like I'm not being the best daughter that I can be to them. But to be honest, I don't know what to do anymore either.
They really weren't kidding when they (whoever "they" are) said that money does not buy everything especially happiness. It's true that money buys most things, without money one is nothing and that money is indispensable. Money, however, just does not buy happiness, memories and time. It doesn't buy happiness and peace of mind for yourself. It does not buy memories which are etched in your minds forever. And last but not least, it does not buy time with your family, your best of friends, and your loved ones.


Today, as I was clearing my cupboard downstairs, I found a folded piece of school writing pad addressed to me. I recognised the handwriting immediately - it was Stef's. I was rather shocked to find that little note from her as I honestly do not remember having it. So I sat down, opened it and started to read it. The letter brought back memories. Lots and lots of memories. At the time the letter was written, Stef and I were going through some problems in our friendship. Surprise surprise, it involved a guy. In the letter, she was reassuring me that she had no feelings whatsoever for the guy and that if anything, she cherished our friendship more than anything in the world. Reminiscing about the letter, I remember that at the time when I had first received and read it, I was a little apprehensive about what she said in the letter. I had doubts all around and was not sure what to make of it. Thinking about it now, I feel silly, stupid even for having doubts with regards to my friendship with Stef. How I could ever let a guy get between the both of us is just unimaginable. If only I knew then what I knew now. What about the guy, you ask? He wasn't even worth it. Not. At. All.
Stef, If you are reading this now by any miraculous chance, because I know you don't read blogs, I am sorry for the way I acted then. Believe me, if I could travel in time I would go back and slap myself for even doubting you. I miss you so much and hope everything is going great for you in London! Lyn came back for a surprise visit. It would have been perfect if you and Tasha came back too!


My grandmother. Sigh. My grandmother. Where do I even start with this lady, this creature who has made up such a huge part of my life, terrorised the other most part of it and yet sometime, like Vinny said, I still can't help but love her. Its a love-hate relationship. I do admit that I am less tolerant of her than I could possibly be. My dad thinks I could do with a change of attitude towards her, the way I handle situations with her, the way I respond to her, just the way I am towards her in general. mum couldn't agree more, especially with my little comment over dinner. But sometimes she just really drives me over the wall! Like, seriously seriously over the wall and all around the ceiling. Having said that, I think I will miss her if and when she kicks the bucket which is highly unlikely over the span of the next twenty years. I guess she will still be here to terrorise the most part of my life.


Just realised how much I wrote. It has been a while. If you have made it all the way to this paragraph... congratulations!!! are you crazy?! If after reading all of this you are terrified, horrified, mortified and most utterly concerned about my well being and wish to consult a psychiatrist with regards to my mental state, I can honestly assure you that I am fine. I just needed to rant a little and where better to do it than my blog - my little place in this endless space that is the world wide web. I guess it is time for another episode of Desperate Housewives, then call up the uni regarding my application for this year, before I hit the sack. See? I told you! I'm perfectly fine =)


This is .von over and out.