Thursday, January 03, 2008


Balance, we all crave it. We all need it in our lives. Be it balance between work and play, balance between relationships. We just can't run away from it. But what if we can't seem to find this balance that we need? What happens then?

Sitting here at 2 in the morning, surprisingly awake, I find myself thinking. Yes, I do realise that I sound a little blonde saying that. Think of it sort of as a reflection time on things that have happened so far in this lifetime of mine, and things that I could possibly want in the future to come. After all, isn't that what the end of the year/the beginning of the next year is for - reflection and resolutions?

I find myself being somewhat on edge lately. Maybe it is due to the fact that I have not received my Law School acceptance/rejection letter. Maybe. Then again, maybe it is the fact that I find myself overthinking, once again about life, love, family, the whole she-bang. Just like the old times.

At this point, I just want to say that this is going to be a long lengthy post, I don't expect any of you to read through all of it, it's just one of those little emomomo (as Overdresser would say) rants of mine. There's not going to be a flow to this post, no point whatsoever, and it's going to be a lot, and i do mean A LOT of random thoughts just all around in little paragraphs. After all, that's what Mrs E. prized so much in any form of writing - proper paragraphing (oh and nouns and verbs and sentencing.. oh you get the idea).

I must admit, I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. Its unbelievable how much I miss him. In fact, I never thought it possible to miss someone this much, but I do. I'm not going to deny it. However, at the same time, I feel guilty for missing him so much, especially when I'm in the company of friends and family. I only return home once a year for about two odd months to spend it with friends and family, yet most of the time, I find myself thinking about him. The girls get my full, undivided attention when I'm with them and God alone knows how much I've missed them but every so often, my mind wanders back to my Vinny. 8ish out of 12 months I whine and complain and whine and complain about how little time I spend with the girls yet when I'm back, I can't help but count the days till I'm back with him. Now, if only I can get a way to have BOTH my bffs AND my bf together with me at the same time. Wouldn't it be nice? A girl can only dream. Now I truly understand what Godma meant when she said "you can't have your cake and eat it as well". Ironical, huh? Its my cake after all so why can't I eat it!?

Family. Do not even get me started on family. Guess the old adage is true after all, family - you can't live with them, you can't live without them. I love my family. I really do. But there's only so much I can take of them. Then again, there's always the thought that family are not going to be around forever so we should try to spend as much time as possible with them, yes? During my first week of return to JB, I was admonished by my brother as he thought that I was spending too much time with friends and the rest of it being online with my NZ friends whom I spent most of the year with anyway. I did not put too much thought into this at first. After all, who was he to reprimand me when all he did when he got back from UK was play his PS2 all the time but somehow, it stuck to me. So, after some reflection of sorts as did happen last year, I tried to reallocate my time. Spend more time with the family especially during the weekends, try to ensure that time spent with the girls were preferably on weekdays when parents were at work, make it back for my daily family dinners. Somehow, it just doesn't seem enough. Somehow, along the way, my dad and I drifted apart. I try to spend time with him. I swear, I do try but it just doesn't seem enough. After all, I have to spend time with mum too you know? She's not any less busy than my dad is. But the distance just keeps growing. I love my parents, Really I do. They have been nothing short of perfect. I couldn't and I would never ask for anything more from my parents than all that they have given me. Sometimes, it just feels like I'm not being the best daughter that I can be to them. But to be honest, I don't know what to do anymore either.
They really weren't kidding when they (whoever "they" are) said that money does not buy everything especially happiness. It's true that money buys most things, without money one is nothing and that money is indispensable. Money, however, just does not buy happiness, memories and time. It doesn't buy happiness and peace of mind for yourself. It does not buy memories which are etched in your minds forever. And last but not least, it does not buy time with your family, your best of friends, and your loved ones.

Today, as I was clearing my cupboard downstairs, I found a folded piece of school writing pad addressed to me. I recognised the handwriting immediately - it was Stef's. I was rather shocked to find that little note from her as I honestly do not remember having it. So I sat down, opened it and started to read it. The letter brought back memories. Lots and lots of memories. At the time the letter was written, Stef and I were going through some problems in our friendship. Surprise surprise, it involved a guy. In the letter, she was reassuring me that she had no feelings whatsoever for the guy and that if anything, she cherished our friendship more than anything in the world. Reminiscing about the letter, I remember that at the time when I had first received and read it, I was a little apprehensive about what she said in the letter. I had doubts all around and was not sure what to make of it. Thinking about it now, I feel silly, stupid even for having doubts with regards to my friendship with Stef. How I could ever let a guy get between the both of us is just unimaginable. If only I knew then what I knew now. What about the guy, you ask? He wasn't even worth it. Not. At. All.
Stef, If you are reading this now by any miraculous chance, because I know you don't read blogs, I am sorry for the way I acted then. Believe me, if I could travel in time I would go back and slap myself for even doubting you. I miss you so much and hope everything is going great for you in London! Lyn came back for a surprise visit. It would have been perfect if you and Tasha came back too!

My grandmother. Sigh. My grandmother. Where do I even start with this lady, this creature who has made up such a huge part of my life, terrorised the other most part of it and yet sometime, like Vinny said, I still can't help but love her. Its a love-hate relationship. I do admit that I am less tolerant of her than I could possibly be. My dad thinks I could do with a change of attitude towards her, the way I handle situations with her, the way I respond to her, just the way I am towards her in general. mum couldn't agree more, especially with my little comment over dinner. But sometimes she just really drives me over the wall! Like, seriously seriously over the wall and all around the ceiling. Having said that, I think I will miss her if and when she kicks the bucket which is highly unlikely over the span of the next twenty years. I guess she will still be here to terrorise the most part of my life.

Just realised how much I wrote. It has been a while. If you have made it all the way to this paragraph... congratulations!!! are you crazy?! If after reading all of this you are terrified, horrified, mortified and most utterly concerned about my well being and wish to consult a psychiatrist with regards to my mental state, I can honestly assure you that I am fine. I just needed to rant a little and where better to do it than my blog - my little place in this endless space that is the world wide web. I guess it is time for another episode of Desperate Housewives, then call up the uni regarding my application for this year, before I hit the sack. See? I told you! I'm perfectly fine =)

This is .von over and out.


Blogger Random in the corner said...

money... a true means to an end.

hopefully next year you will have the whole cake to your self.

1/04/2008 1:07 pm  
Blogger JAS 35C Gripen Pilot said...

Well, a LOT of money would mean ur mum+dad could retire and spend more time with you but yeah...

1/05/2008 9:00 pm  
Blogger Pannis McMannis said...

Time taken to read the entire post : 00 (infinite)
Word count : too much
Paragraphing : decent
Content : unknown

Just an overlook to how simple life is? in 20 freekin paragraphs!!!? read like half of that... ish... kinda confused, wasn't much of a rant (as i could see) but just thoughts that float around in the cosmos that is your brain?

1/08/2008 7:26 pm  

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