240109

hey mann..

hows it going? where are you now?
do you still come back during tea and dinner time? i don't know.. i don't feel you like they do. in case you don't, you should know that your place outside is still empty - waiting for you to come back for tea. your place is also still being set at dinner. i've been rather lazy lately and haven't been cooking dinner. your mum doesn't really like me helping out in the kitchen, you know that.

you missed dinner tonight. the dinner you were supposed to buy me before i leave for new zealand. we went to that seafood restaurant place at the driving range. it wasn't really anything to shout about. their service was poor. food was not too bad, i guess. though their roast chicken wasn't that good today as compared to lunch the other day.

i dream of you quite a few times, you know? not sure if its just my subconscious or if its you trying to send a message to me lol.

don't forget to come along to grand aunty serene's place for the new year okay? don't stay too long though. ee-sam said that she doesn't feel like joining us this year so you should go accompany her at home. it's just the usual affair at aunty serene's anyway. its going to be hot, and boring and mosquito infested. ergh. guess you really aren't missing out on much so yeah.

anyway, i best be off..
miss you okay? come back for dinner ya..
never really said this before, but, love you uncle!

i dreamt of you

last night, i had a dream of you.
i dreamt that you had returned to us for one more day.
we had spent the day together as one whole family.
for a moment, it felt like the events of the past week was merely a dream, a joke that you had pulled on us. for that moment, i was happy.
then it was time for you to go. it was no less painful the second time around.
we sat around and said our goodbyes and you told me that you had come back to see us everyday since. just like you used to. i was slightly comforted by that fact.
you left slightly smiling, with food and drink in one hand and a burning cigarette in the other.
then i awoke. reality piercing every inch of my skin.
the reality that i would never see you again in this lifetime of mine.
the reality that you were gone, forever.
the reality that you weren't coming home for tea or dinner ever again.
i miss you.

souls

have you ever felt like you were being watched from behind your shoulder?
it's the exact feeling when you are reading the papers and someone creeps up behind you and starts reading it too.

i had the feeling that day. on thursday? friday? i can't remember anymore. i was busy clearing the tables and putting out more bottles of water and bags of peanuts. it really felt like you were there - standing right behind me making sure i was doing my job right. i was so sure of myself that i expected to see you hovering behind me when i turned. but there was no one.

i thought i saw you though. a split second image of you. if i had blinked, i wouldn't have caught anything. but you were there. i know you were there. and then you were gone.

you weren't

you weren't supposed to leave us yet.
you were supposed to watch me finish my cross stitch.
you were supposed to buy me a farewell dinner before i left for new zealand for yet another year.
you were supposed to order roast chicken for me.
you were supposed to tell me what papers to take this year.
you were supposed to witness my 21st birthday.
you were supposed to meet my boyfriend.
you were supposed to come for my graduation.
you were supposed to help me with my first job.
you were supposed to enjoy my first pay check on a 10 course chinese dinner.
heck, we were supposed to set up a law firm together.
you were both supposed to grow old together.
you were supposed to enjoy many, many more years to come.
what now?
what am i going to do when i have a problem?
who do i go to?
what is she going to do?
you left her with a house and two dogs.
she's only 42.
but you just left us.
you didn't even say goodbye.
it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Death was not pencilled into my diary for today.

T.M. Mak
May 5th 1960 - January 8th 2009

the little nyonya

what a sad sad show :(