Monday, April 24, 2006

Dear Diary Episode 6

Dear Diary,
Things got really messed up over the weekend. The few of us were at Brian's place just chillin, watching movies and playing the ps2 and all. Naturally, I was sitting with Brian whereas Michael crashed in the couch opposite us. We were having quite a good time, or at least I thought we were.. until Michael left and texted me afterwards. He sounded really jealous and all. The things he said were not called for at all. He was like "good luck with Brian.. the two of you look really good together.. you were all over him, if you don't mind me saying". What does he take me for? Some kind of whore who will throw herself at any and every guy? He even admitted to being jealous of Brian. After a while, I could not bear the thought of talking to him anymore. I just ignored him thinking that it will blow over.

On Sunday morning, Michael texted me. Everything sounded ok, like it was back to normal. I thought it was just last night and nothing else. That was until I made a passing comment about how I thought some guys on tv were hot. Then it all started again. Michael started sounding really possessive and jealous. When I told Brian about it, Brian made it clear to me that I had to talk to Michael about the whole thing. That I had to be cold and brutally honest, otherwise it would not work. It was better that way in the long run he said. I tried to be mean and cold. I tried really really hard! But I was not getting through to Michael no matter what I said. I was feeling horrible enough as it is. And with Brian pushing me to clear things out with Michael the mean and honest way, I felt like I was being pushed over the cliff. I could not take it any more. I just sat there sobbing hoping all of this would go away. But it didn't. When I opened my eyes, everything was still the same as before. Both Michael and Brian were not helping with the situation. I thought I was going to have a breakdown or something. It just isn't me to be mean to anyone. I just can't do it anymore. Maybe before this.. when being mean was something that came naturally to me.. but not now. Even ignoring Michael's messages seem to be sucking the life out of me.

I just don't get it. What is it that the both of them want with me? Does life really have to be this complicated? I'm not an object to be passed around or to be played with. I have feelings too! Why can't love just be black and white and not grey? I guess I got more than I bargained for when I wished that I would find love this year.


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